I never thought I would post on Reddit. I have been reading and commiserating with people and tonight for some reason there was a post that made me want to tell my story. I ask that nobody uses my story no TikTok, Facebook reels, You Tube or any other platform. I am writer and it is my life story in small part, and this is copyrighted material my name is on my account.
I found Reddit, while finishing my master’s degree. It would be late at night I was fried mentally and emotionally and was just looking for something to look at. And the stories well you guys know you read them they are tragic most of them are incredibly sad. And it started to really bother me, and I could not really figure out why. It did not take me long though.
I grew up not knowing who my father was, I thought he was one person but when I talked to him, he said he was not my father. It turned out my mother lied about it. So, I have gone through my whole life never knowing his name, I never knew anything about him. I was raised by a single mother who was very damaged by the men she let in her life. Her first husband divorced her for another woman and signed away all four of her little children to the state to be adopted out because she could not take care of them, she did not have any money or means of supporting them. And he just wanted to move on with his life. So that was my first legacy. I thought he was my father that was pretty bad. So, a couple of years ago I was hitting some sort of bottom around where to go next in my life. I took a DNA test; I thought maybe I would be able to figure out who my father was. I did not really have much hope though. I went on ancestry and sent in the kit. On January 18th, 2021 I got the news. This name kept coming up over and over and over again. A name I had never heard of before. A lot of people were attached to it. Some of them had as much DNA as my half-sister. But when you look at ancestry it just says close relative or cousin. I contacted one of the people and I said you are my cousin and she said no I am your sister. My head was spinning, just 15 minutes before that, I never heard of any of this.
That began my rabbit hole so here is the story of my father. My mother was going through her divorce and this man was still married but he was searching for his wife she had left him and so he slept with my mother and a bunch of other people and then just left them in the dust. My mother got pregnant with me so at a time when it was not very accepted, having just lost her four babies, she was having an illegitimate child. She ran away to another state and worked through her pregnancy. Now she had a lot of ‘ticks’ she passed on to me about what men were like and what they should and should not do and watching her go through a few things I am going to tell you it destroyed my ability to really bond with men. I only did one man in my life really and he died young and that was my husband. Other than that, it confused my sexuality young, I had a challenging time forming relationships. I did serial monogamy. I could escape fast. My own mother was really damaged, and I was raised really on my own. A lot of neglect on basic food, clothing, and childcare. It was not until I got sober, I started to put the pieces of my life together. Turns out I am straight. Really straight, and like men. I went to therapy, AA, Ala non, OA, (came in with a food disorder, because you cannot be heavy). For the first 5 years I worked tirelessly. I met my husband in recovery and we married, and I had a son. He died when my son was 6. I stayed clean and sober.
I am abbreviating some of this because if I did my whole story, it is so long none of you would want to read it. This man, my father slept with my mother and then left and slept with a whole bunch of other people and made babies I am reluctant to even tell you how many because I do not know if it did not happen to me, I would not believe it, but it is over 20. And nobody really knows for sure, we feel like there's still people out there that did not get their DNA evaluated on ancestry.com and find all their relatives. This man tore through the lives of several women leaving a trail behind of unclaimed and unwanted babies. He has been gone for a long time; he is not alive. And I did talk to some of my family members and three of them were genuinely nice, but I am not very trusting, and they are vastly different than I am. I am very West Coast progressive, and they are all from the South and very born again Christian. One of them thought I might be evil. And when she told me that on Facebook, I just blocked her.
When it came to Reddit and I started reading these stories I started having emotional responses that I did not understand, a lot of sorrow a lot of frustration and anger like I was taking on people's stories and what I was really doing was processing. I have been in recovery for a long time. I never want to tell people how old I am, that is why I am so vague about it, but it is over 20 years. It saved my life. But this was new, it was the latest information and a new process. And I ended up feeling so much hatred and anger for somebody I had never met because of all the harm he caused me. I had an exceedingly difficult childhood. It could have been worse. But it was bad enough. When I read people's stories and how people would be hurt by infidelity, I cannot tell you, I guess I can tell you. Because a lot of you have gone through it. It is devastating to the point of not being able to bear the pain. I am not sure he is aware I existed; he did tell a judge in traffic court he had 22 children he knew of…. That is hearsay from one of his sons.
So, the reason I am telling you tonight is because I actually thought I was mostly through the processing it I had found a bunch of Subs that I really like about manifesting and history and finished my master’s degree. I mostly was not as affected anymore. And then this one post I read tonight of somebody was deliberately going to cheat on their spouse to get it out of their system and it just came bubbling up from the depths the hatred the anger the pain. They had children. They could cheat, but not leave, they have responsibilities. So, I am writing about it. Also, I have been lurking around here for over six months, and I have been really grateful for the people who have been kind and I have been healing around this and I have to say though it is bubbling up tonight most of the time it does not anymore.
Most of the time I do not think about him. I married a decent person who was nothing like that. He just died young. When I had relationships earlier (I married at 38) I stayed in control with everybody I dated, except one person and that was at the bottom of my drinking. But I never put myself in a position where I could not get out fast. If I were uncomfortable, I left them or sabotaged it so they would leave me. There is a lot of damage there, I did not let people near me, I did not trust them. Joining Reddit has helped me a lot, it has also taught me a lot of empathy and compassion for other people. I just wanted to get that off of my chest I used to think I did not belong on Reddit somebody told me it had a bad reputation. And now I am fully convinced like in recovery in the room of drunks that I sat down in that first day in I belong here too. And there is recovery there was recovery around my mother's stuff and around the alcohol so there's recovery around this too and I am really glad to be here. And thank you for listening,